[E] Bitter

Hi. It feels good to be able to write about things that I don’t talk about. So, I am going to keep writing here because therapy is expensive.

The year 2024 humbled me in every way. Everything that I hoped and prayed for, just didn’t go the way I wanted.

I became so angry, disappointed, and sad with everything that happened this year. It feels like I am in the naughty list, and I am getting the punishment for it.

With the news that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just made my mental health even worse. I couldn’t sleep through the night, and I would cry whenever I woke up at 3am. I might have this episode which I learned as Anticipated Grief. I grieved about what will happen to my father even before he passed away.

I hoped that Aimi, my 13-year-old would get an offer into boarding school, but she failed. I was so angry; I might have said hurtful things to her conveying my disappointment. I got accepted into boarding school when I was 13 so why can’t she? I felt like I wanted to make her life miserable at home because she failed to get a place in the boarding school. I told her she will have to study day and night but at the same time she will have to do work in my kitchen. So that she would be sorry that she didn’t get any offer. I am toxic, I know. Anyway, I want to treat her better but my anger issue just won’t help it as it would always make me angrier when I must drive her 26km back and forth for school daily. I even hate her school so much as it is the most packed school in Selangor and I can’t find anything good about it.

My second born, Aizen is currently 6 years old, and he hated school so much he would cry every morning. He’s so good at triggering my angry switch which is currently easily accessible. Some days I would be screaming at him, and I’ve thought of hitting him many times so that he would stop crying. My intrusive thoughts are so busy thinking of ways to make him silence. Even though Aizen can now read but he is so weak in Maths. He also has speech delay, so he is not able to tell even a simple story at this age. Everything about him worries me.

I become so bitter with everyone I see be it offline or online. I don’t even want to know anything about anyone anymore. Especially if that person has what I wanted, children that I can be proud of. I know this is wrong, but this is what I am feeling right now. I hate everything, everyone, every day.

Because of this, I always spend a lot of time on my phone where I can slip into my delusional world. It makes me happy to escape my reality for a while and I also got to learn new things on TT.

I always pray to Allah to remove this bitterness in my heart and let my heart be at peace. I want to accept all of these and let Allah take care of my children’s future. I don’t want to plan anything anymore. I want to be happy, and my happiness depends on me, not others. I want to be a better mom to Aimi & Aizen, a better wife to my husband and a better daughter for my mom.